Bittersweet

Last Monday I found out I was pregnant. 

Pregnant.  Naturally.  No pills, no shots, no embryos being put back.

Just plain ole pregnant.

Pure Elation!

Kevin and I made a baby all on our own for FREE!!!

I had no idea how in the world we would take care of four children five and under but I didn't care.  We were pregnant.  I had life growing inside of me.

When I heard the due date I was even more excited.

February 12, 2012

The day Kevin and I had our first date in 2000.

The day I went into labor with the twins in 2010.

It was meant to be.  Straight from God, right?

The very next day a disturbing hormone level came back.  Too low for a 7 week pregnancy.

48 hours later the number rose, but not enough.  My OB mentioned Ectopic.

Devastation. 

I have been here before.  The emotional roller coaster of pregnancy.  I did not want to be here again.  But I did not have a choice.  I would fight for this baby.  I would die for this baby!

First ultrasound was last Friday.  All seems well.  Just a very early pregnancy.

Excitement.

Repeat bloodwork showed something is still not right.

Second ultrasound showed no growth and an empty sac.

Disappointment and relief.

I loved this child for the nine days I held him/her under my heart.  I prayed to God every second I thought about it, even though I had an idea something was not right.  I am glad to be off the roller coaster.  The constant ups and downs were too much for me right now.  Yesterday, I was angry at God (something very new to me!) for throwing me this kind of heartache after I had been through so much to get my other three kids.

My other three kids.  Ouch.  Just a little reminder that there was indeed another one.  We had even picked out names which we will keep to ourselves.

I went to bed and dreamt about a beautiful colorful bird all night long.  I have never dreamt about a bird.  When I googled the symbolism, I was shocked:
To see birds in your dream, symbolize your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds, represent joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

I am not sure what will happen next.  I have not miscarried yet, but have stopped all medication.  My OB is pressing D&C.  I am just not ready yet.  I want to see what my body can do on it's own first.  Hopefully it will take care of the failed pregnancy without any medical intervention.
I don't know what the future holds for Kevin and I as far as anymore children, but I am now at peace with the way this one has come and gone from our life.  I am not mad at God anymore.  I don't understand why we had to endure this at this time, but I am thankful it did come at a time like this rather than at a time we were really trying to grow our family.  God works in mysterious ways like that sometimes.  I will forever remember that 24 hour feeling of elation that I had that yes, I could indeed get pregnant on my own without any medical intervention.

God must have needed an angel in heaven.  I am glad he took one I hadn't yet met.  Things can always be worse, I suppose.

Last night as I lay with my oldest, she told me "You are the goodest mommy ever!"  Those six little words right there gave me the strength to carry on.